Pornography

Scandalous topic, I know. It makes me feel all edgy and spiritual writing about it, like Jon Acuff (check out Stuff Christians Like, it's awesome).

I, like many students at Bible college, many regular men and women, young and old, am guilty of once having an addiction to pornography. Not pornography in the graphic, internet video or dirty magazine sense, but pornography none the less. It's like a diseased fog that permeates and soaks everything in our society and rots the soul from the inside out.

The American Heritage New Dictionary of Cultural Literacy defines pornography as "Books, photographs, magazines, art, or music designed to excite sexual impulses and considered by public authorities or public opinion as in violation of accepted standards of sexual morality." It also notes that American courts have not fully settled on a definition of what truly constitutes as pornographic material.
I don't blame them - it's a messy thing, but I think I can narrow it down.

A book that has heavily influenced my views on sexuality and spirituality is "Sex God" by Rob Bell. Many conservative Christians reserve a special hatred for this man and his theology, but "Sex God" is a fantastic book.
Bell explores the soul deep connection to sexuality in it, but he claims that sexuality isn't just the lustful, physical desire we feel, it's a heart thing.
Sexuality is the desire we feel to be connected to another being, not just physically but emotionally and spiritually. We use physical action to express the deeper, true meaning of 'sex' which is to bond with someone on the heart level, the soul level.

We've lost this sense, I think. Not just because of sin, but because we've allowed society to completely re-define sexuality, making it into an animalistic, primitive act based on the physical desires of the body which were meant to be used in expression of the communion of two souls. It's dehumanized us. It's taken away something that was meant to be pure and holy and sacred and turned it into 'just sex'.

Now, I said that I was a pornography addict. I was addicted to books that would engage me so deeply emotionally that I would drown myself in them, immerse myself in them to the point where I would forget everything around me. Romance novels especially. It let me imagine and 'feel' what I longed to feel - connection to someone else. Sex. I am guilty of reading Twilight and indulging in it's escapism through 'living' out the romance in my mind so I could feel the 'love' I desired. Sex. There are even 'Christian' novels out there that do the same thing even though it portrays what a relationship 'should' be between a man and a woman.
That's what happens with our typical definition of what pornography is - videos and dirty magazines. I know many guys who have dealt with addictions to pornography and they'll tell you the same thing about it all, it stems out of a need to feel intimacy with someone. It's a hollow intimacy, full of promises and emptiness.

Why do we need this intimacy? It's a part of being human. Humans are not just physical beings, but we have been made in the image of God - a God who created us out of a desire to love that He gave us as well. When we sinned, we lost that connection and try to fulfill our desire for intimacy, our sexual desires, with pornography, stuff that stimulates that sexual impulse we have and instead of quenching it just adds more fuel to the fire. A fire that only our God can put out.

However, I do not think that the desire for sex (intimacy, emotional and physical) will ever go away no matter how close someone is to God, which I think can be a huge downfall in dealing with pornography addictions in Christians. Saying that we are defeating an addiction and no longer feel the temptation is lying. Anyone who has ever had an addiction of any kind will tell you that temptation never really goes away - I've been a non smoker for a year and a half now, and I still feel the temptation to hit the gas station and grab a pack. I know alcoholics that still feel the want to stop by the liquor store and get a bottle of vodka after decades of sobriety.
Saying that if only we were closer to God then the temptation would stop is wrong. Even Jesus was tempted (check it out, it doesn't say the devil TRIED to tempt Him, he DID tempt Him), I frankly I don't think I can think of anyone closer to God than Him. We may feel that temptation, but we can't fool ourselves into thinking that we can cure our desires by becoming perfectly in tune with Him because as 'holy' and as intimate as we can get with Him it will never be enough until the day we truly become one with Him.

We have to realize that whenever we feel the desire to look up that website or pick up that book, that what we're doing is making our soul sick by devouring food that won't fill us. Sexual desire isn't just physical lust, it's our heart crying out to be close to someone and we have to turn to God in order to be given the food that will always satiate our endless hunger instead of killing us.

What?

This semester has yet again revealed itself to be another filled with chipping away at the top of the mountain in attempt to learn more about myself and grow closer to God.

An interesting question that resonated very deeply with my heart about a week ago in one of my classes was one that a great mentor to my mentors asked himself once: what kind of man does God want him to be?
It made me ask myself what kind of woman does God want me to be? Instead of words, various images have been popping up in my mind in my (brief) moments of meditation these days.

A woman willing to step in and take the bullet for her friends - a woman willing to sacrifice anything for love.
A woman willing to step up and be honest - a woman willing to be broken in order to be healed and reveal God's strength.
A woman willing to make the decision in moments of indecisiveness as I journey with my brothers and sisters - a woman willing to be a leader and a servant for God.
A woman willing to see her holiness and dwell in the mud - a woman of both Heaven and Earth, digging through the mess of our humanity and reveling in all it's beautiful chaos with her brothers and sisters.

As I continue through the semester, this is something that I will reflect on time and time again in my heart. It gets difficult, because images of other things that the world tells me I 'should' be keep trying to intrude and pervade the dream but I quiet my heart and open my eyes and it's always right there in front of me.

What kind of man/woman does God want you to be? Forget all the images that we try to piece together from the onslaught of what the world tells us we 'should' be and open your heart. It might be more that you're expecting... actually, I guarantee that person is more than you could ever imagine yourself as.
So, what does God want you to be?

A Change in Perspectives

I don't know if it's only my friends or if it's universal, but there seems to be a trend picking up that I find really interesting.

What is it that is causing everyone to pick up a camera and try their hand at photography?

Some people say it's a form of expression, others say it's an amateur artform that anyone can become good at with an expensive camera and a 'how-to' book.
I agree with the first statement completely, it's an excellent way of expressing one's self through what they see in their world around them.
The second statement is something I find incredibly annoying, and I am willing to tell anyone who thinks that should pick up a camera and then introduce them to my friends who work very hard and have a freakish natural talent for it.

I think that the reason photography is becoming so popular is because it is a way in which people can explore themselves and the world around them through perspectives. The lens allows you to focus on something, to see something you or others wouldn't normally see and then capturing the moment on film (or digital memory as the case is most of the time).
This trend is showing how society - or at least us youngsters - are stepping out into our torn world and seeing it for what it is and exploring the joy, the beauty, the light, and the shadows from different perspectives to try and understand why our world is the way it is.

I encourage you to try it, or perhaps something else that lets you see the world in different ways whether it's painting, singing, or playing a musical instrument. Maybe if we all pick up some new perspectives we'll find some questions instead of trying to make answers.

Cardio

Your breath billows in the cool, morning air,
nothing but the sound of your beating heart and
the blood
rushing through your veins.
Faster than you could ever dream of
running.

That's what you do, you know.
I run until I feel sick.
I pull a muscle (the pain),
but I keep on running.
I think I'm getting stronger,
that I can run further until
I fall and sprain it.

Out of commission.

What I Want To Be When I Grow Up

Not this guy.

http://www.wittenburgdoor.com/driscoll-kicks-own-ass

In the process of becoming a pastor and retaining my femininity and individuality, on my 20th birthday last Monday one of my best friends got me a small 'my little pony'. I plan on taking Sweetie Belle with me everywhere.

I think that overall what Mark Driscoll is saying is very interesting. Sure, I've noticed a growing trend towards men being less 'manly' (in the redneck sense of the word - not so much participating in the caber toss as staying inside and reading a good book or playing the guitar), but does this really mean they're not 'warriors'?

One of the things that I truly admire in any guy I meet is his spirit and his faith. Some of the men I've had the privilege of meeting aren't manly in Driscoll's definition, but their warrior spirit in their faith is astounding and is truly something that makes the devil shake in his boots. So what if a pastor prefers to read instead of chewing tobacco and playing tackle football with no equipment?
I call him smart, not a sissy. A man who is more connected and not afraid to show his sensitive side is a whole lot stronger than one who is. They open themselves up more, are not afraid to be vulnerable - which is the greatest show of strength I have ever seen. Not punching oneself in the face.

And if Mark Driscoll is saying pastors need to be more manly, what does it mean for those of us women that have been called to pastoral roles? Should I start taking up smoking and riding around a motorcycle, cut my hair short and start dressing like a man to conform to Driscoll's notion of what a leader in the church should be? I don't think so.
Good leadership isn't in what the person wears, their hygiene habits, and how much muscle they have built up. It's in the heart, the will to serve and submit themselves to God's people.

Soul twin?

I have just finished reading "Purpose for the Pain", a collection of journal pages by Renée Yohe.
Testimonies I have heard from others generally run along the lines of "amazing" and "inspiring", but for me, I found it eerie.

In those pages, illegible and legible, written in neat handwriting and spattered with blood and tears, I saw me.

I saw my diary from when I was suffering from depression and living with the shame of abuse. I saw my diary from when I was angry that no one saved me. I saw my diary from when I didn't know how to feel and in order to preserve what was left of my sanity was to flick that switch to turn myself off and distract myself with my addiction to death. I saw my diary from the time of relapses back into self-destructive and soul-killing cycles. I saw my diary from when I cried out to God after I realized I couldn't do it anymore, and He began to piece back together my unrecognizable heart.

It makes me wonder now, how many others have read this and felt the same way? How many soul twins do Renée and I have out there in our broken world?

It also dares me to ask: how many of our brothers and sisters will lose this battle if we don't have the courage to stand up, jump into those bloody trenches and reach out our hands to those who simply can't do it anymore?

Folding shirts...

How can I help but love my Lord?
He loves me in my strength and in my weakness,
in my beauty and in my flaw,
in my joy and in my pain.

How can I help but love my Jesus?
His name on my tongue is the sweetest honey,
the most beautiful melody,
the purest song.

How can I help but love my King?
My voice yearns to shout His praises in the street,
to proclaim His most holy name
and speak of His awesome love.