Something that has been constantly in my face lately is the pain of our broken world, and the beauty of people that are crying out for God even though they don't know it. It's a strange kind of beauty, not unlike that which you find in the desert. It's powerful, it's heartbreaking, and is the cause for so much of the disbelief in God in our post-modern society.
But I realized today that this cycle of pain is what led me to God. If you know me and know my story, you're probably thinking "Well, duh," but allow me to elaborate. There were many factors that led to my depression and countless attempts at suicide in my young to middle teens, but one of the ones that really stands out at the moment was the pain at seeing so much pain in the world. I remember the feeling of my heart snapping in half as I listened to the radio a few days after the 9/11 attack and hearing that war was officially being declared on terrorism. I remember the feeling of my heart breaking apart when I watched other kids that I had gone to school with begin down the destructive path of substance abuse.
The night I broke down and my heart finally called out for help when my mother confronted me, I remember thinking "There's so much wrong with the world, and I feel like I'm the only one that sees it. I feel so alone."
The last few classes in Spiritual Formation we have been watching "Soul Project" presentations. I have seen souls filled with so much scar tissue that the soul is unrecognizable from what it used to be, and souls that are still in the process of healing. A young man yesterday shared his soul, and the beauty of his lament, his cry out to God brought me to tears.
Pondering this, I realized how I have made a complete 180 from how much I have changed with God in my life. Years ago, this would have simply made me feel even more depressed and would have been on my mind as I tried to down a whole bottle of Tylenol, but now instead it gives me a little more insight into how God has transformed my heart.
It makes me love our broken humanity even more, and it gives me resolve to change this and show the broken ones that there is hope. Hope is real.
And today, I am making a concrete promise to this. I have known ever since I became a Christian that I live for loving others, but I must learn to love myself as well.
Today, I promise to love the broken. Today, I promise to love myself. Today, I promise to keep my love for God as number one. Today, I promise to live for love as best as my own recovering soul can.
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