Pornography

Scandalous topic, I know. It makes me feel all edgy and spiritual writing about it, like Jon Acuff (check out Stuff Christians Like, it's awesome).

I, like many students at Bible college, many regular men and women, young and old, am guilty of once having an addiction to pornography. Not pornography in the graphic, internet video or dirty magazine sense, but pornography none the less. It's like a diseased fog that permeates and soaks everything in our society and rots the soul from the inside out.

The American Heritage New Dictionary of Cultural Literacy defines pornography as "Books, photographs, magazines, art, or music designed to excite sexual impulses and considered by public authorities or public opinion as in violation of accepted standards of sexual morality." It also notes that American courts have not fully settled on a definition of what truly constitutes as pornographic material.
I don't blame them - it's a messy thing, but I think I can narrow it down.

A book that has heavily influenced my views on sexuality and spirituality is "Sex God" by Rob Bell. Many conservative Christians reserve a special hatred for this man and his theology, but "Sex God" is a fantastic book.
Bell explores the soul deep connection to sexuality in it, but he claims that sexuality isn't just the lustful, physical desire we feel, it's a heart thing.
Sexuality is the desire we feel to be connected to another being, not just physically but emotionally and spiritually. We use physical action to express the deeper, true meaning of 'sex' which is to bond with someone on the heart level, the soul level.

We've lost this sense, I think. Not just because of sin, but because we've allowed society to completely re-define sexuality, making it into an animalistic, primitive act based on the physical desires of the body which were meant to be used in expression of the communion of two souls. It's dehumanized us. It's taken away something that was meant to be pure and holy and sacred and turned it into 'just sex'.

Now, I said that I was a pornography addict. I was addicted to books that would engage me so deeply emotionally that I would drown myself in them, immerse myself in them to the point where I would forget everything around me. Romance novels especially. It let me imagine and 'feel' what I longed to feel - connection to someone else. Sex. I am guilty of reading Twilight and indulging in it's escapism through 'living' out the romance in my mind so I could feel the 'love' I desired. Sex. There are even 'Christian' novels out there that do the same thing even though it portrays what a relationship 'should' be between a man and a woman.
That's what happens with our typical definition of what pornography is - videos and dirty magazines. I know many guys who have dealt with addictions to pornography and they'll tell you the same thing about it all, it stems out of a need to feel intimacy with someone. It's a hollow intimacy, full of promises and emptiness.

Why do we need this intimacy? It's a part of being human. Humans are not just physical beings, but we have been made in the image of God - a God who created us out of a desire to love that He gave us as well. When we sinned, we lost that connection and try to fulfill our desire for intimacy, our sexual desires, with pornography, stuff that stimulates that sexual impulse we have and instead of quenching it just adds more fuel to the fire. A fire that only our God can put out.

However, I do not think that the desire for sex (intimacy, emotional and physical) will ever go away no matter how close someone is to God, which I think can be a huge downfall in dealing with pornography addictions in Christians. Saying that we are defeating an addiction and no longer feel the temptation is lying. Anyone who has ever had an addiction of any kind will tell you that temptation never really goes away - I've been a non smoker for a year and a half now, and I still feel the temptation to hit the gas station and grab a pack. I know alcoholics that still feel the want to stop by the liquor store and get a bottle of vodka after decades of sobriety.
Saying that if only we were closer to God then the temptation would stop is wrong. Even Jesus was tempted (check it out, it doesn't say the devil TRIED to tempt Him, he DID tempt Him), I frankly I don't think I can think of anyone closer to God than Him. We may feel that temptation, but we can't fool ourselves into thinking that we can cure our desires by becoming perfectly in tune with Him because as 'holy' and as intimate as we can get with Him it will never be enough until the day we truly become one with Him.

We have to realize that whenever we feel the desire to look up that website or pick up that book, that what we're doing is making our soul sick by devouring food that won't fill us. Sexual desire isn't just physical lust, it's our heart crying out to be close to someone and we have to turn to God in order to be given the food that will always satiate our endless hunger instead of killing us.

What?

This semester has yet again revealed itself to be another filled with chipping away at the top of the mountain in attempt to learn more about myself and grow closer to God.

An interesting question that resonated very deeply with my heart about a week ago in one of my classes was one that a great mentor to my mentors asked himself once: what kind of man does God want him to be?
It made me ask myself what kind of woman does God want me to be? Instead of words, various images have been popping up in my mind in my (brief) moments of meditation these days.

A woman willing to step in and take the bullet for her friends - a woman willing to sacrifice anything for love.
A woman willing to step up and be honest - a woman willing to be broken in order to be healed and reveal God's strength.
A woman willing to make the decision in moments of indecisiveness as I journey with my brothers and sisters - a woman willing to be a leader and a servant for God.
A woman willing to see her holiness and dwell in the mud - a woman of both Heaven and Earth, digging through the mess of our humanity and reveling in all it's beautiful chaos with her brothers and sisters.

As I continue through the semester, this is something that I will reflect on time and time again in my heart. It gets difficult, because images of other things that the world tells me I 'should' be keep trying to intrude and pervade the dream but I quiet my heart and open my eyes and it's always right there in front of me.

What kind of man/woman does God want you to be? Forget all the images that we try to piece together from the onslaught of what the world tells us we 'should' be and open your heart. It might be more that you're expecting... actually, I guarantee that person is more than you could ever imagine yourself as.
So, what does God want you to be?

A Change in Perspectives

I don't know if it's only my friends or if it's universal, but there seems to be a trend picking up that I find really interesting.

What is it that is causing everyone to pick up a camera and try their hand at photography?

Some people say it's a form of expression, others say it's an amateur artform that anyone can become good at with an expensive camera and a 'how-to' book.
I agree with the first statement completely, it's an excellent way of expressing one's self through what they see in their world around them.
The second statement is something I find incredibly annoying, and I am willing to tell anyone who thinks that should pick up a camera and then introduce them to my friends who work very hard and have a freakish natural talent for it.

I think that the reason photography is becoming so popular is because it is a way in which people can explore themselves and the world around them through perspectives. The lens allows you to focus on something, to see something you or others wouldn't normally see and then capturing the moment on film (or digital memory as the case is most of the time).
This trend is showing how society - or at least us youngsters - are stepping out into our torn world and seeing it for what it is and exploring the joy, the beauty, the light, and the shadows from different perspectives to try and understand why our world is the way it is.

I encourage you to try it, or perhaps something else that lets you see the world in different ways whether it's painting, singing, or playing a musical instrument. Maybe if we all pick up some new perspectives we'll find some questions instead of trying to make answers.

Cardio

Your breath billows in the cool, morning air,
nothing but the sound of your beating heart and
the blood
rushing through your veins.
Faster than you could ever dream of
running.

That's what you do, you know.
I run until I feel sick.
I pull a muscle (the pain),
but I keep on running.
I think I'm getting stronger,
that I can run further until
I fall and sprain it.

Out of commission.

What I Want To Be When I Grow Up

Not this guy.

http://www.wittenburgdoor.com/driscoll-kicks-own-ass

In the process of becoming a pastor and retaining my femininity and individuality, on my 20th birthday last Monday one of my best friends got me a small 'my little pony'. I plan on taking Sweetie Belle with me everywhere.

I think that overall what Mark Driscoll is saying is very interesting. Sure, I've noticed a growing trend towards men being less 'manly' (in the redneck sense of the word - not so much participating in the caber toss as staying inside and reading a good book or playing the guitar), but does this really mean they're not 'warriors'?

One of the things that I truly admire in any guy I meet is his spirit and his faith. Some of the men I've had the privilege of meeting aren't manly in Driscoll's definition, but their warrior spirit in their faith is astounding and is truly something that makes the devil shake in his boots. So what if a pastor prefers to read instead of chewing tobacco and playing tackle football with no equipment?
I call him smart, not a sissy. A man who is more connected and not afraid to show his sensitive side is a whole lot stronger than one who is. They open themselves up more, are not afraid to be vulnerable - which is the greatest show of strength I have ever seen. Not punching oneself in the face.

And if Mark Driscoll is saying pastors need to be more manly, what does it mean for those of us women that have been called to pastoral roles? Should I start taking up smoking and riding around a motorcycle, cut my hair short and start dressing like a man to conform to Driscoll's notion of what a leader in the church should be? I don't think so.
Good leadership isn't in what the person wears, their hygiene habits, and how much muscle they have built up. It's in the heart, the will to serve and submit themselves to God's people.

Soul twin?

I have just finished reading "Purpose for the Pain", a collection of journal pages by Renée Yohe.
Testimonies I have heard from others generally run along the lines of "amazing" and "inspiring", but for me, I found it eerie.

In those pages, illegible and legible, written in neat handwriting and spattered with blood and tears, I saw me.

I saw my diary from when I was suffering from depression and living with the shame of abuse. I saw my diary from when I was angry that no one saved me. I saw my diary from when I didn't know how to feel and in order to preserve what was left of my sanity was to flick that switch to turn myself off and distract myself with my addiction to death. I saw my diary from the time of relapses back into self-destructive and soul-killing cycles. I saw my diary from when I cried out to God after I realized I couldn't do it anymore, and He began to piece back together my unrecognizable heart.

It makes me wonder now, how many others have read this and felt the same way? How many soul twins do Renée and I have out there in our broken world?

It also dares me to ask: how many of our brothers and sisters will lose this battle if we don't have the courage to stand up, jump into those bloody trenches and reach out our hands to those who simply can't do it anymore?

Folding shirts...

How can I help but love my Lord?
He loves me in my strength and in my weakness,
in my beauty and in my flaw,
in my joy and in my pain.

How can I help but love my Jesus?
His name on my tongue is the sweetest honey,
the most beautiful melody,
the purest song.

How can I help but love my King?
My voice yearns to shout His praises in the street,
to proclaim His most holy name
and speak of His awesome love.

Love is Patient

"Arise my love, my fair one, and come away..." - Song of Solomon 2:13

It's what I like to call "Princess Syndrome", and is a common affliction amongst Christian girls. As we grow in our faith and start to become women, the need for a prince on a white stallion to whisk us away and promptly marry us grows exponentially. We all go through it, and the impatience in waiting for our destined knight in shining armor increases extremely fast.

I could go in to immense detail over why this is, but it really comes down to one fact: we will always be in need of a man (or in some cases a woman, but that's another matter). It's part of our curse as the 'fairer' of the sexes and goes back to the infamous Eve in Genesis, and the original sin of humanity.
When Adam and Eve ate the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, they committed the original sin, and with that sin God bestowed on all of us curses. For men it's harder to grow stuff.
Women? "In pain you shall bring forth children, yet your desire shall be for your husband and he shall rule over you," (Gen. 3:16).

Lame, I know, but this is the root of us girls needing a guy. We have a desire for a husband that is a part of being a woman, a part of our very identity as a female.

Some girls will ask "but why is it wrong to have a boyfriend then?" I hear from a lot of friends involved in youth that this is a constant question from the young ladies, and isn't a surprise. Many people have different ideas on why this is, and how some girls have different reasons, but our curse is the reason.

However, this 'reason' does NOT mean that we should jump up and go out with the first pretty boy that catches our eye, girls. God is constantly redeeming us of our curse (the original sin and His punishments) through our Prince, Jesus Christ. Our need for someone to fill that role of husband is a constant need but it will only be properly filled by the right person at the right time who is chosen by our Father King.
We all have our moments thinking it's the right time and the right guy, but we have to be careful. A popular Superchick song goes "You found him is what you say and we all want you to feel that way, but the frog you've got seems cute enough to kiss and maybe frogs seem like that's all there is." We have to be careful, guard our hearts and wait for the right guy because they may all say that they are a prince, but there is someone waiting out there for you and you must take your time otherwise you might just end up having kissed a slimy amphibian.

There is no need to rush into romance. All the young celebrities are dating, and it seems like all the girls at school have a 'boyfriend', but that's not you. We as Christians are not followers of society, and we as Christian women are not to be followers of what society says is normal for relationships and romance. I have only met one couple in my entire life that started dating in high school and are still together, my parents. All of their friends that dated in high school either broke up by graduation or got divorced less than three years into marriage.

Is that what you want? Or do you want to save your precious treasure of a heart for someone who is worthy of it and live happily ever after? Don't go for that frog that's standing at your window claiming to be a prince, because your prince is on the way in all his white-horse-riding, gorgeous prince-ness. He just may take a little longer to battle his way to his waiting princess.

"I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the wild does: do not stir up or awaken love until it is ready!" - Song of Solomon 3:5

An early morning mind blowing...

Something that has been constantly in my face lately is the pain of our broken world, and the beauty of people that are crying out for God even though they don't know it. It's a strange kind of beauty, not unlike that which you find in the desert. It's powerful, it's heartbreaking, and is the cause for so much of the disbelief in God in our post-modern society.

But I realized today that this cycle of pain is what led me to God. If you know me and know my story, you're probably thinking "Well, duh," but allow me to elaborate. There were many factors that led to my depression and countless attempts at suicide in my young to middle teens, but one of the ones that really stands out at the moment was the pain at seeing so much pain in the world. I remember the feeling of my heart snapping in half as I listened to the radio a few days after the 9/11 attack and hearing that war was officially being declared on terrorism. I remember the feeling of my heart breaking apart when I watched other kids that I had gone to school with begin down the destructive path of substance abuse.

The night I broke down and my heart finally called out for help when my mother confronted me, I remember thinking "There's so much wrong with the world, and I feel like I'm the only one that sees it. I feel so alone."

The last few classes in Spiritual Formation we have been watching "Soul Project" presentations. I have seen souls filled with so much scar tissue that the soul is unrecognizable from what it used to be, and souls that are still in the process of healing. A young man yesterday shared his soul, and the beauty of his lament, his cry out to God brought me to tears.
Pondering this, I realized how I have made a complete 180 from how much I have changed with God in my life. Years ago, this would have simply made me feel even more depressed and would have been on my mind as I tried to down a whole bottle of Tylenol, but now instead it gives me a little more insight into how God has transformed my heart.
It makes me love our broken humanity even more, and it gives me resolve to change this and show the broken ones that there is hope. Hope is real.

And today, I am making a concrete promise to this. I have known ever since I became a Christian that I live for loving others, but I must learn to love myself as well.

Today, I promise to love the broken. Today, I promise to love myself. Today, I promise to keep my love for God as number one. Today, I promise to live for love as best as my own recovering soul can.

Ramblings after being struck by a little inspiration...

My Soul

My soul is me;
growing, breaking, healing, loving.

My soul is l o n g i n g;
thirsting, y e a r n i n g to take flight
and bringmeclosertotheONE who set me free,
and mended my wings when they were
b
r
o
k
e
n.

My soul is fragile;
healing,
growing STRONGER after being set free
by Him.

Freed from the evil one who sat on my shoulders,
s
n
a
p
p
i
n
g
my bones
and
p
l
u
c
k
i
n
g
my feathers.

My soul is taking flight;
growing, working to become STRONGER
that I might enjoy
free
flight,
to go as high
andasclosetomyLoveaspossible.
And so that
others
might see my wings, my soul
and want to fly closer to
Him, too.

Heartbreak

For centuries Christians have been at the epicenter of pain, from before the Crusades to someone carelessly flinging a judgemental word at their neighbor today.

As I grow in my faith, more and more I hear stories about so-called 'followers' of Christ causing more pain and heartache than I can possibly imagine, much of this through the rejection of someone.
Frankly, there are too many verses to quote from the Bible about loving one's neighbor etc. to do it proper justice. And yet I hear about a priest sending anonymous death threats to one of his young parishioners who just declared his homosexuality to his family and friends; a church cutting off a family member, a fellow child of God, who committed adultery; a girl that carries a past filled with misguided beliefs and dark ritual hearing slanderous rumors created about herself by those she thought her friends.

So much pain. If I feel like this when I hear about these sorts of things, I can't begin to imagine how God must feel.

I have so many questions for these people. Why do you feel they are not worthy of your love if they are worthy of the love of God? What gives us the right to judge them if one deems them 'unworthy' of God's love? The Bible commands us not to judge others. Possibly one of my favorite parts in the Bible is of the woman who was to be stoned for adultery, Jesus halts her persecutors who came in the name of the law by asking them "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." No-one threw one measly pebble at the woman.

Everyone sins, no sin is worse than another in the eyes of God. Sounds scandalous? Not really, it's because He doesn't care.

God came down in the form of man and Jesus and died on the cross for all of us, not just the ones who go to church on Sunday, not just the ones who go to a certain kind of church, not just the ones who met their conversion quota for the week, but every single last person who has and who ever will exist. It doesn't matter how much someone has 'sinned', He loves every single one of us regardless of what we have done or will do.

I ask again, who are we to deny someone love? It's not as though that will keep God from loving them, but it will certainly hurt Him when we do not demonstrate love the way He intended. It was God that gave us the ability to love in the first place.

No-one is unworthy, no-one is not deserving. Please love.

Twisted?

I came to an odd realization today. Whenever I see someone close to me hurting I'll often daydream about trying to alleviate thier pain in some way, but it is always with my death.

Now, as a Christian I wonder is this a good thing or a bad thing? Is it a good thing that I would so willingly give up my own life to make someone happy, or am I insane? It's not as though I jump to the thought of dying immediately, but when I feel like there's nothing left for me to do it's what my mind seems to find as an answer.
It made me wonder if this is what God did for all of us when Jesus died on the cross. There wasn't any other way, so he died to save us. I'm not saying that I'm Him or anything, but isn't to be more like Him what all of His followers wish for? If I had the chance I would certainly die to save any person I know or to heal thier pain.

Or am I just twisted?

Bonzai!

It's pretty much a standard for young people in mainstream Christian culture these days, having been through the all consuming, fire and brimstone, tears and laughter filled mountaintop experience.

But what happens after you descend down the rocky mountain side and begin your new life as a follower of Christ?

A friend of mine had this, but once he began attending church regularly after giving his life to Christ he became conflicted, his beliefs of his previous life fighting for control with the new ones which were being spoken to him from the Bible.
Some stuck, most did not. As a fellow Christian, I begin to question my own newer beliefs which have become a part of my heart as much as my love for Christ.

Jesus Christ died for our sins, but only if we accept Him into our lives as our Saviour we are given a new life free of sin.
But what happens when the new morals and beliefs of our new life with Christ conflict with those that we've held onto for so long, or when society tells us that what He is saying is wrong?

My friend says that he doesn't hate God, he hates 'religion' because it tells him what to believe. To a degree, I both agree and disagree with this. I agree that some institutions of religion can be misleading and it is up to us (with the help of God) to recognize these misconceptions about life as a follower of Christ (Matthew 7:15).

But I also disagree with my friend. The Bible is the Word of God and teaches us many things. More than anything the church is for fellowship, but along with that fellowship comes guidance and a community in which one should be able to find not only protection and love but also friends who will call someone out if they aren't living the way they're supposed to (1 Timothy 5:20). Society as a whole may not agree with what the Bible says, some of your old beliefs may not coincide with what the minister was talking about in church last sunday, but if we are to have a true relationship with Jesus than we need to jump into our new life with both feet and leave behind our old selves.
You can't just dip your toe in to test the temperature, God wants you to full on cannonball into His love.