Cardio

Your breath billows in the cool, morning air,
nothing but the sound of your beating heart and
the blood
rushing through your veins.
Faster than you could ever dream of
running.

That's what you do, you know.
I run until I feel sick.
I pull a muscle (the pain),
but I keep on running.
I think I'm getting stronger,
that I can run further until
I fall and sprain it.

Out of commission.

What I Want To Be When I Grow Up

Not this guy.

http://www.wittenburgdoor.com/driscoll-kicks-own-ass

In the process of becoming a pastor and retaining my femininity and individuality, on my 20th birthday last Monday one of my best friends got me a small 'my little pony'. I plan on taking Sweetie Belle with me everywhere.

I think that overall what Mark Driscoll is saying is very interesting. Sure, I've noticed a growing trend towards men being less 'manly' (in the redneck sense of the word - not so much participating in the caber toss as staying inside and reading a good book or playing the guitar), but does this really mean they're not 'warriors'?

One of the things that I truly admire in any guy I meet is his spirit and his faith. Some of the men I've had the privilege of meeting aren't manly in Driscoll's definition, but their warrior spirit in their faith is astounding and is truly something that makes the devil shake in his boots. So what if a pastor prefers to read instead of chewing tobacco and playing tackle football with no equipment?
I call him smart, not a sissy. A man who is more connected and not afraid to show his sensitive side is a whole lot stronger than one who is. They open themselves up more, are not afraid to be vulnerable - which is the greatest show of strength I have ever seen. Not punching oneself in the face.

And if Mark Driscoll is saying pastors need to be more manly, what does it mean for those of us women that have been called to pastoral roles? Should I start taking up smoking and riding around a motorcycle, cut my hair short and start dressing like a man to conform to Driscoll's notion of what a leader in the church should be? I don't think so.
Good leadership isn't in what the person wears, their hygiene habits, and how much muscle they have built up. It's in the heart, the will to serve and submit themselves to God's people.

Soul twin?

I have just finished reading "Purpose for the Pain", a collection of journal pages by Renée Yohe.
Testimonies I have heard from others generally run along the lines of "amazing" and "inspiring", but for me, I found it eerie.

In those pages, illegible and legible, written in neat handwriting and spattered with blood and tears, I saw me.

I saw my diary from when I was suffering from depression and living with the shame of abuse. I saw my diary from when I was angry that no one saved me. I saw my diary from when I didn't know how to feel and in order to preserve what was left of my sanity was to flick that switch to turn myself off and distract myself with my addiction to death. I saw my diary from the time of relapses back into self-destructive and soul-killing cycles. I saw my diary from when I cried out to God after I realized I couldn't do it anymore, and He began to piece back together my unrecognizable heart.

It makes me wonder now, how many others have read this and felt the same way? How many soul twins do Renée and I have out there in our broken world?

It also dares me to ask: how many of our brothers and sisters will lose this battle if we don't have the courage to stand up, jump into those bloody trenches and reach out our hands to those who simply can't do it anymore?

Folding shirts...

How can I help but love my Lord?
He loves me in my strength and in my weakness,
in my beauty and in my flaw,
in my joy and in my pain.

How can I help but love my Jesus?
His name on my tongue is the sweetest honey,
the most beautiful melody,
the purest song.

How can I help but love my King?
My voice yearns to shout His praises in the street,
to proclaim His most holy name
and speak of His awesome love.

Love is Patient

"Arise my love, my fair one, and come away..." - Song of Solomon 2:13

It's what I like to call "Princess Syndrome", and is a common affliction amongst Christian girls. As we grow in our faith and start to become women, the need for a prince on a white stallion to whisk us away and promptly marry us grows exponentially. We all go through it, and the impatience in waiting for our destined knight in shining armor increases extremely fast.

I could go in to immense detail over why this is, but it really comes down to one fact: we will always be in need of a man (or in some cases a woman, but that's another matter). It's part of our curse as the 'fairer' of the sexes and goes back to the infamous Eve in Genesis, and the original sin of humanity.
When Adam and Eve ate the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, they committed the original sin, and with that sin God bestowed on all of us curses. For men it's harder to grow stuff.
Women? "In pain you shall bring forth children, yet your desire shall be for your husband and he shall rule over you," (Gen. 3:16).

Lame, I know, but this is the root of us girls needing a guy. We have a desire for a husband that is a part of being a woman, a part of our very identity as a female.

Some girls will ask "but why is it wrong to have a boyfriend then?" I hear from a lot of friends involved in youth that this is a constant question from the young ladies, and isn't a surprise. Many people have different ideas on why this is, and how some girls have different reasons, but our curse is the reason.

However, this 'reason' does NOT mean that we should jump up and go out with the first pretty boy that catches our eye, girls. God is constantly redeeming us of our curse (the original sin and His punishments) through our Prince, Jesus Christ. Our need for someone to fill that role of husband is a constant need but it will only be properly filled by the right person at the right time who is chosen by our Father King.
We all have our moments thinking it's the right time and the right guy, but we have to be careful. A popular Superchick song goes "You found him is what you say and we all want you to feel that way, but the frog you've got seems cute enough to kiss and maybe frogs seem like that's all there is." We have to be careful, guard our hearts and wait for the right guy because they may all say that they are a prince, but there is someone waiting out there for you and you must take your time otherwise you might just end up having kissed a slimy amphibian.

There is no need to rush into romance. All the young celebrities are dating, and it seems like all the girls at school have a 'boyfriend', but that's not you. We as Christians are not followers of society, and we as Christian women are not to be followers of what society says is normal for relationships and romance. I have only met one couple in my entire life that started dating in high school and are still together, my parents. All of their friends that dated in high school either broke up by graduation or got divorced less than three years into marriage.

Is that what you want? Or do you want to save your precious treasure of a heart for someone who is worthy of it and live happily ever after? Don't go for that frog that's standing at your window claiming to be a prince, because your prince is on the way in all his white-horse-riding, gorgeous prince-ness. He just may take a little longer to battle his way to his waiting princess.

"I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the wild does: do not stir up or awaken love until it is ready!" - Song of Solomon 3:5

An early morning mind blowing...

Something that has been constantly in my face lately is the pain of our broken world, and the beauty of people that are crying out for God even though they don't know it. It's a strange kind of beauty, not unlike that which you find in the desert. It's powerful, it's heartbreaking, and is the cause for so much of the disbelief in God in our post-modern society.

But I realized today that this cycle of pain is what led me to God. If you know me and know my story, you're probably thinking "Well, duh," but allow me to elaborate. There were many factors that led to my depression and countless attempts at suicide in my young to middle teens, but one of the ones that really stands out at the moment was the pain at seeing so much pain in the world. I remember the feeling of my heart snapping in half as I listened to the radio a few days after the 9/11 attack and hearing that war was officially being declared on terrorism. I remember the feeling of my heart breaking apart when I watched other kids that I had gone to school with begin down the destructive path of substance abuse.

The night I broke down and my heart finally called out for help when my mother confronted me, I remember thinking "There's so much wrong with the world, and I feel like I'm the only one that sees it. I feel so alone."

The last few classes in Spiritual Formation we have been watching "Soul Project" presentations. I have seen souls filled with so much scar tissue that the soul is unrecognizable from what it used to be, and souls that are still in the process of healing. A young man yesterday shared his soul, and the beauty of his lament, his cry out to God brought me to tears.
Pondering this, I realized how I have made a complete 180 from how much I have changed with God in my life. Years ago, this would have simply made me feel even more depressed and would have been on my mind as I tried to down a whole bottle of Tylenol, but now instead it gives me a little more insight into how God has transformed my heart.
It makes me love our broken humanity even more, and it gives me resolve to change this and show the broken ones that there is hope. Hope is real.

And today, I am making a concrete promise to this. I have known ever since I became a Christian that I live for loving others, but I must learn to love myself as well.

Today, I promise to love the broken. Today, I promise to love myself. Today, I promise to keep my love for God as number one. Today, I promise to live for love as best as my own recovering soul can.

Ramblings after being struck by a little inspiration...

My Soul

My soul is me;
growing, breaking, healing, loving.

My soul is l o n g i n g;
thirsting, y e a r n i n g to take flight
and bringmeclosertotheONE who set me free,
and mended my wings when they were
b
r
o
k
e
n.

My soul is fragile;
healing,
growing STRONGER after being set free
by Him.

Freed from the evil one who sat on my shoulders,
s
n
a
p
p
i
n
g
my bones
and
p
l
u
c
k
i
n
g
my feathers.

My soul is taking flight;
growing, working to become STRONGER
that I might enjoy
free
flight,
to go as high
andasclosetomyLoveaspossible.
And so that
others
might see my wings, my soul
and want to fly closer to
Him, too.